04.21.06

I show due respect to schedules for keeping my life in a stable environment, one which I can attempt to revolutionize, and perhaps “upgrade”, but one without which nothing would be accomplished. At first this seems, extreme and parentish, however it is only the truth. After so many liberal days, I tend to fall under an order of disorder; namely this is the “summer routine”, where I can and Do spend hours and hours accomplishing nothing more than visiting the latrine, sleeping, watching TV and pretending to work in spurts, which are often left to die on their own accord.
The amazing aspect of structure is that the feelings and emotions I will experience, and their triggers remain the same, every day. So I can expect, if I am matured into it, to work hard, as I do during the school year (or 2nd semester this time), or to slack hard, which I do most handsomely, and which most of society indulges in, and chronically dreams/longs/wishes/strongly desires whenever they have a spare moment. However this is a case, and you will NOT understand this until you’ve made a fool of yourself and experienced the “cool” aspect of what you believe is true (unless you were otherwise very self dignified and controlled, or just extorted into believing/behaving such a way).

Another point is that learning to tame yourself around yourself is relatively easy as compared to taming your reactions to others, in a social group. The dynamics are totally different and the factors seem exponential. However, if you must remember one thing, it is to believe that (and this only comes the hard way w/ experience; I’ve heard of no other success stories thus far) there is a simple, elegant, solution, and that it only requires you to pay small attention to certain details, develop your own techniques for perfecting these details, practice them over and over again, and finally achieving the grand result. This sounds easy but its hardy that.

1. The words I’ve used above have most likely been told to you hundreds of times over by many “adults” whom you’ve indubitably created a rocky relationship w/ during your teenage years, and who you cannot simply trust, but now are habitually extorted to feels angry, and indolent around. Thus these words carry no meaning for you, and you cannot possibly grasp their truth; the experience w/ which they were plotted ever so carefully (not really carefully in this case).
2. You have no real idea of what your feelings are, when they change and what you may expect as a reaction. You normally overdo most valid controlling techniques, if you have any at this point, and seemingly are lost. You may have contemplated suicide. Here’s some advice DON”T, I was there continually for 2 years, and with time, god damn hard struggle and more time, failures heaped upon failures I am here happy, and changing hope the relative better.(refer back to 1 about what’s written here)