03.12.06

I found myself feeling ashamed, or trying to at least, of calling my friends yesterday. Why? Perhaps I feel that I should not have tried because I’m sitting here now with nothing to do, alone at home. Or because attempts such as these are futile and lead only to what I have here, this is perhaps the generalization I’m making. However, I am strong enough now to reject these feelings and silly generalizations. There is another area however in which my mastery fails me even though its basis of strength is in the same principles. Finding out an answer to a problem and how it’s worked, etc. makes me feel exactly the same. Now I usually have the second suggested reason for reacting, and do react that way almost all of the time outside of school, maybe I have no confidence in my ability to produce meaningful and useful conclusions from what I’m attempting to learn or maybe it’s habitual. Whatever the case, an remedy is analogous to the application for the previous mentioned malady & I must be aware of these situations when they occur so I may mend them. When I do, and I have before numerous times, I’m usually ecstatic about learning a new approach treasuring and remembering it almost instantly. This makes me very happy and motivated to do more on the subject, not prone to questioning the derivations of anything, but content to take what I’ve just learned at face value and apply it. I generally notice that when I work physics problems, I tend to stray, most especially when I do not solve one correctly, toward “reviewing” the materials I had read before so as to find a mistake. However this act itself is a mistake, because I cannot hope to find something in such a quick time span and understand it in order to apply it to the problem to understand my mistake and correctly solve the problem. It is enough the to realize this situation fits the descriptions above, and take the solution at face value to further my understanding of the concepts that way, like an extension of the chapter, which it really is, no matter if the problems were “meant” and possible to be worked by students finished with the chapter. This last statement will have no impact on me! Problems are there for learning and practice of skills. Perhaps some can solve them with the right background in similar situations, but they do, in order to have this “similar” background, take problems’ solutions at face value and increase their knowledge that way.
The main thing to remember is that no matter how much I feel as though I’ve failed I cannot allow myself to feel that way and I must realize that as an exercise (compare it to my guitar learning) the beginnings will be difficult and very impossible, but that in the end with daily work they will become better. This I can rely on because I truly have a feel for what I am saying in experience with the guitar, however this should be applied to any act a person feels they have struggled through and in the end persevered.

Perhaps I feel that plans are spoiling me. Plans are expectations. Expectations are what spoiled, greedy people are known for, and if not met are quite unruffled and dissatisfied in life. So plans are expectations and therefore longingly greeded for, but when not met ruin my day. Perhaps this is why I feel trapped when I made a plan and savor in spontaneity because it’s spoiling me and I cannot strand that idea.