03.02.06

Such a realization as this has only come to me after so many a combination of differing, all eloquent, experiences. Through the integration of a realization that stooping to the lowest of the low, does not aid the inescapable chronic daily problems I had had before such a stoop, and that my falsetto forecast of my own future as one where I will unquestionably, and for that matter unbeknownst to me, flawlessly combine the skills which I see myself as now lacking into perfect union with one another, though only hindering me right now as it allows me to compare my current self with an ideal future, is complete bogus and immeasurable ignorance and naivety.
For these experiences I am grateful. I am grateful that I can continue to survive day to day without the need to worry about food, shelter, and other physical necessities, for this I must deeply admire and respect my father who’s actions I regretfully say I misjudge all the time and I am sorry for that. As an endeavoring teenager this must be my role right now. However humble these point may be, they bring me to another conclusion I have here drawn, that I greed for what is the impossible, and even before beginning to implement its actualization, I seek to compare myself, at current time, to this idealized completion (with no doubt high success) and thence feel the pangs of anxiety when I cannot stop these thoughts from occurring inside of me. So I must realize this greed for what it is and no longer fancy these unreachable unattainable things I seek, but say to myself: “I am being simply greedy, and I know I will not finish reading x, y, and z tonight, so I should acknowledge I crave them, but in reality I should turn my attention to those little things which I can accomplish now, those little things I see as child’s play, the things of the past grades, of demeaning character to my intellect, those things which I feel I have mastered when I have in reality not even began to explore yet in any of the bredth and depth my fancied self calls for(I compare new deeds I undertake to this fancy and claim that because I have not on the 1st try matched this incomparable idealistic scale I have not achieved them).
So I must respect my abilities as they are now, because in the future in reminiscence and story form, I will be alluding to these and these times only which I will then illuminate in success, but which I now believe are dreary uninteresting feats. So it is that I must respect myself now, and forever so, and every at that I do is a furtherance of my being, not a failed attempt to compare to those perfections of my imagination.
I now read a book entitled Wizzard’s First Rule by Terry Goodkind, and I think to myself that the writing style is shallow, nondescript, quick, lacking rhythm, flow and general eloquence. In another viewpoint I feel myself writing and commenting on this exact same literature, and now the words and sentences seen sophisticated, but I realize that I only view the internals of the sentence and not the overall general feel of the work. How can I? I have not finished writing this fancied piece yet. How different are these viewpoints.
And now I am melancholy, because I feel that not only my memory of the thoughts I have here upon this digital paper spilled are taken from me as I scribe them, but too are my righteousness for their truths and consequently the actions I might take from this righteousness. And I feel as though I have forgotten all I have to say about this subject, and I surely will not remember (which is true) what it is I have written on this page tomorrow, even though moments before I sat by this table to write these emotions, I felt certain that I knew what I was to say to my journal, and not only, but I recalled other things, eluding me for days upon a time beforehand, in the seconds before my fingers made touch these plastic, stark edged keys.

If every moment is cherished as a success and I keep in mind that my misunderstandings are only a reflection of the misinformation I have received from either myself or those skiving propagandists who are attempting to use me in their purposes then the reality of infinite possibility is revealed crystal clear. The only feelings of despair as disparaging as they are, come only from this type of misinformation, not of misunderstanding. I cannot “misunderstand” anything, I do not doubt my intelligence, I only doubt my sources.
I think I really loathe, seriously and deeply the notion of deadlines, future plans, and orders. This means any of these coming from either some one besides myself and ESPECIALLY myself. When I find that I am forcing myself to do anything which I have no passion for I simply cannot, and refuse to totally do it so stubbornly even if this thing might have been the most exiting and amicable thing only the past few minutes, which brings me to another point. If I think, even formulate a vague thought which has in its foundation the dislike and disapproval of what I am doing, or places what I am doing in a unfriendly or unlikable light, then there is no chance for me to come back from that idea. My brain simply overrides any and all sensibility supremely stubbornly and aims at investigating and piecing the emotionally depraving dilemma into pieces until I am spent and cannot, and do not have the emotional will to, perform any other task. This feeling I usually call my “pangs of anxiety”.
I simply cannot fathom how I am supposed to be an architect, engineer, and laborer on different tiers almost simultaneously when asked to solve say a physics or calculus problem. First I must analyze the possible approaches to the solution, the break them down into smaller bits, and when I have figured out the most sensible way, creatively (normally if the material is not a plug and chug type, but requires some sensible thought as in the “Problems” from Halliday Resnick & Walker), I am supposed to take the smaller seemingly easy steps and perform the setup of the equations and the then further substructure of calculations. I feel, which I just fathomed while writing this, that I am in an architect mindset when I have begun the problem at hand and have stubbornly set into exploring that mindset (and perhaps this is why I learn so well when I am taught by math teachers, say Mrs. Dudo for example, who explains the architectural or conceptual concepts to me and does all of the further detailing for me without me having to approach these details as separate problems) so that I cannot break away from it and understand the “simple”, as most people see them, details of the problem until I have had a complete mental distraction.

I loathe foreboding sensations, foretelling, expectation, anticipation, and anything which has to do with what is or will some day be expected of me!!!! This is a core problem I have now connected with my stubbornness. If I learn NOT to expect then I shall not have any thoughts, anxieties, and stipulations which might hinder me from the past and will never be uncertain of the future (will X happen or not?) by definition because I will always not be certain of it so I will have no emotions connected with any timeframes, but will be able to devote myself to the present. Such ideas need sound rooting in experience, words are not persuasion enough and giving these ideas freely to an inexperienced child, apprentice, novice, or rookie will only create a trap with each proverb, blocking escape by change from their current situations (more on this in the next paragraph). This idea of detachment needs to be guarded very cautiously because of its very probably recursive nature. Simply thinking of not placing weight on past events violates the idea itself (insert analogy of changeable structure by input a “no” will change the function to lead to a “yes” when a “yes” uses the original function to produce a “yes” therefore “no” is an impossible output from the original function because it changes itself to always yield “yes”) because that thought broods on events in the past thus connecting oneself to them leaving the present engorged with thoughts of the past, exactly what the notion attempts to diverge the user from.
Telling a child known proverbs without the child having adequate experience to serve as persuasion tools is misleading and subsequently dangerous to his benefit from the tools. Actually it backfires, damaging him as a beneficiary of the tools, and lowering his self esteem about being able to cope with a certain issue (this is from my personal experience where I have been forced into emotions I so strive to suppress by sayings which come up during my quieted emotional times, which were originally meant to provide a surge of motivation and self esteem, but served to show me that, since I have never known how to use these sayings as a boost (b/c of lack of any experience backing their truths), I am incapable and can never succeed in keeping a positive attitude with the task I endeavor in, thus causing me to jump straight back to the dreary emotions which make up my chronic melancholy days. I must have an experience with a feeling which is so vivid, real, emotional, and grounded in my soul strongly underscoring and persuading me on one side of an issue in an unwavering manner (I consider the other side impossible and would give anything to prove my point as correct – hence a moral which I thus far do NOT have) that I will gain intellectual mind power from that experience with which I can combat and repress a conflicting side of this same feeling I might be battling. For example, a boy’s mother is killed because an enraged man fights with his father knocking over a lamp which starts a fire. The mother, after securing her children outside the house, witnesses the father being beaten by the strange man (perhaps she doesn’t, not important to the point, here, this witnessing of a beating), goes inside the house to rescue a valuable possession and is heard by the all party member outside the house screaming for her life. She is never seen to walk outside of the house again, and is found charred to death inside. The father and the man come to their senses after hearing these screams discontinuing their brawl, however the boy, son of the father, strongly believes that the cause of death of his mother is not fire, as it is reported, but the anger aroused in the strange man who came to his house, which was based in a disagreement between the boy’s father and he on the matter of some abandoned property (the reason is not important to the point). The boy concludes that he must suppress his anger because if he does allow it to burst he might cause similar severe emotional damage to himself, as the strange man did when he did not withhold his temper and knocked the lamp over, staring the fire which eventually killed his mother.

When Data of Star Treck listened to 5 different songs at once he was able to enjoy them, but his human friends thought it crazy. As it is , the human mind can only concentrate on one task at a time, this is its greatest advantage and greatest weakness. It can pull and assemble any and all information of a given input in no time at all to form complex concepts, however it cannot take data from many new areas in real time and integrate them seamlessly, the memory load is too great, and not organized enough for the task. The concept of music is the same for ideas and goals. Only one goal may exist. If I want to learn about Physics per say, I must not allow myself to look up and share in what my classmates have to say every five minutes. In fact, I should so stubbornly defend my position, in an obsessive infatuated manner, that I should live, and be one with the concept ( oneness is the only way to true being) until its time expires. No distractions, only one goal. That goal could be understanding how to solve RC circuits. Now the difficult part is not the concentration on one goal, which even to the lazed self comes almost naturally with little effort, but it is the management of all the sub concepts and their timed foci which are required. Each sub goal must last a predestined time, and not be allowed to interfere with any other overall goals. I cannot second guess what I have written before, that mean I’m untrustworthy of myself and are not willing to make the vital mistakes which, if I pay attention to them, will eventually lead me to my true success. (Just like a pervious journal entry [in my 3rd journal; 2nd notebook w/ black pen] this is the analogy that I have set out to ride from my house to the mechanics shop in Bryan, and at A&M I cannot question the route which I go, I must be focused on keeping up with my set time because that takes all my energy devoted to achieve, otherwise I will fail in that AND inevitably as I would succeed if I complete this subgoad right, I fail the overall goal of reaching the shop in time. I MUST TRUST!!!!)