02.26.06

It has never occurred to me, but the bigger the challenge the greater the rewards will be. Working toward the reward only as a source of motivation, might not be the most intelligent thing to do, firstly because it might, the motivation that is, be eaten up quickly, too quickly at first, but secondly reaching only for rewards, or so I have been taught, only brings focus to what lies too far ahead and keeps present focus at bay, not allowing the person to truly do what he has set out to do. However true all this may be, I have taken all of these inherently good saying too much to heart, and in doing so wearing their usefulness away, only to be replaced by my own doubts of their truth. So it is with many other doings, even if I have though of them beforehand and used them effortlessly at that, that their application is much more difficult in the situations which truly require them. For example the advice which I gave Lauren Garcia regarding pre-cal and sinusoidal analyses, I have slowly, but methodically managed to place out of my mind when it came to applying it to my calculus, or physics studies related to mathematical manipulating of equations I have, or not, seen before.

My intuition that I can only innovate, respect, and ultimately life a fulfilling life or enjoy performing a task at all, when I am only presented with a persisting difficult and necessarily surmountable task, is supported by the behavior of animals in the wild and their interactions with human resources. When a snow leopard has a choice between continuing its normal hunting pattern or trying to stealthily stalk nonexistent goats on a mountainside, and stealing a carelessly guarded sheep from a native inhabitant, ,he will undoubtedly choose the one requiring less energy, namely the later choice. Thus if the cat were domesticated it would lose all appreciation for its former need to innovate ideas to facilitate its hunting. Thus it is evident that necessity is the mother of invention and the only way to truly live out what I wish for, that is loosing my natural ability to create and be proud of the usefulness of my tools in the necessity of a situation which arises. I cannot simply be pampered and told to appreciate something which I have not personally felt, seen or experienced, for many ideas intuitions, decisions, and visualizations which aid me in understanding abstract concepts come from these experiences.

The advantage of being drunk, watching television, not paying any heed to my hygiene, and not bothering with the outcome of the school outcome, is exactly that, not bothering. This I feel is what younger children can experience and do, and it is also how I was used to learning before, by not thinking twice about anything, and just taking the requirements, and consequences of what I had decided to do as givens. Sure being drunk can impair my memory and cause a hangover, however the benefit of not having the tight feeling in my stomach and the constant worry on my mind about anything that I attempt to do soundly outweighs any benefits that being able to remember might have. Besides, when I AM able to remember, most of the time I am stuck in the beginnings of attempting to solve a puzzle (or attempting at a resolution to solve it).