04.09.06

Whatever I do, I realize, if it is not done to my benefit or my pleasure in the end, as a overall goal, it is no fun while I'm doing it. I take pleasure in doing the actions, when I know that my goal is not to show some1 else how great I am, or show them they cannot brainwash me, or have authority over my actions, but when I please myself by completing certain things.

For example, say I go and play soccer. Initially, I really enjoyed going to the game, however lately I've noticed that when I attend and play, I am more tense, less focused on what I'm doing, and more focused on what I've done wrong, and other social auras around me. However, when I think back to the first time I went, and that was the time which made me come back for more, I remember that I only cared about pleasing myself, however I touched the ball or played the game. I was not worried about people stealing the ball grom me or how I would feel, or how they would upon doing it. These expectations are all too complex. I was only focused on being there because I had decided that this attendance was to my benefit, and form there on , all of the sub goals like taking the ball away, conserving energy, and focusing, became related to this one master goal, which said that whatever I do, all the way down to my last action, is for my pleasure only, period.

I know that some actions may not be pleasurable in themselves, but when I put them in this context, they cannot help but BE pleasurable when I do them.

After all, what's the purpose of attending work? The purpose is bringing home money, so the family can have daily supplies, like food, water, toothpaste, soap, etc. This money helps to shield the person away from more responsibilities and necessary actions to achieve daily things. How would I brush my teeth if I had no toothbrush? Furthermore, what's the purpose of me attending classes and learning all this new information? The same reasoning applies here; the purpose is for me to eventually be employed and able to ease my existence. But there is no purpose in these actions, if I don't want to ease my existence. So there is a purpose for dad to attend work; he wants to have money to supply our requests, clothe, bathe, and feed us, or basically make life easy for us. Then why do the goals of these actions go unnoticed and disregarded as monotonous minutiae daily things? Simply because most people don't realize them for what they are. Those people always want more, and "better" things from which to derive satisfaction.

Also it could be said that dad attends work to keep himself sane. If he had nothing to do all day, he would be quite out of his mind.

So then, all the actions I do should be geared toward keeping myself sane, and happy and whenever I'm no enjoying what I'm doing I'll know I'm not following my goal. I may think there are other, greater reasons for attending school or having a future job or going to college but there are not! The only reasons are for the experiences I will have there. This meaning, how I will satisfy my prioritized goals there. Right now I canoot grasp what I'm even trying to account here, however I did have the meaning a minute ago, and I'm sure that I will attain it again, through enough focus or sheer luck.