02.25.06

It's so discouraging to me when I feel as though I have reached a limit to whatever I may be experiencing, performing, or understanding. This not only completely and utterly demotivates me, but it depresses me as much so my esteem and productivity are thus reduced 200%!! Since I always seem to think of myself as a genius and expert on whatever I am studying even though I have not come to understand, nor acknowledge (how naive of me) for that fact, a fraction of the information about the subject at hand, I suffer to great extents. My own genius places a limiting factor to what I know or for how I think it then, of what will and has ever been known, therefore demotivating me when I reach this limit. My demotivation is not only heightened when I reach this limit but further irritated by my own stubbornness which will not believe my claim that this is the limit(mind you this is a subconscious claim) limit of this knowledge, placing me w/ the titans of the field immediately, and will rationally as seen from this perspective now, continue to try and understand the reality behind my sudden greedy reasoning. However, this method backfires on the intended result, by causing me to only prove to myself time and time again, one I am severely crippled mentally, and emotionally, feeling as though someone is digging a hole inside my stomach (anxiety), that I am UNABLE to accomplish what I've told myself I was the expert in not long before. Thus this pattern repeats itself, as I stubbornly, and rationally for that matter, continue to reject and try again, a seemingly admirable quality otherwise.

Now when I have experienced an outside influence on my own thoughts, I come to believe that there IS more to the world around me and that I am not the genius I claim to be, instantly regenerating my previous passions in whatever I am doing, and uplifting me back to my original working level emotionally. Thus pretending to be the genius and embarking on quests to fully understand say how acceleration works, with limited knowledge are not only extremely dehabilitating as stated above, but they are also exponentially more difficult than the original task would be with some more understanding of what's going on in the background.