02.28.06

No matter how many times I have revelations, I always seem to think they will be an end to all problems, and a initiation into my world of dreams. Sadly, this is never so. What is true, however, every time is that I write down my experiences in journal entries like this and proceed to promptly forget all I have written, meaning that I no longer keep it continuously in my head or consciously practice applying it on real life problems I might face daily.

Sad the above may be, but I have more to tell. It is true, or today it seems clear for non obvious reasons, to me that whatever I am doing, if I were to look at that thing from another person' perspective, one which is a person much like myself and not like the ideological, perfect and flawless stranger, I pretend to see my activities from in third person, I would not notice which would in any way provoke me, as a third person stranger, to the acts which I, as myself, come to believe will come true when seeing this perspective. Now I lack good examples for the above.

Truth it is, that when I sit in English class I feel my motivation, and pompous sense of authority over the material dissipate with each week. I am no longer able to pick out the flaws in Mrs. Huggins' lectures, or make witty comments about it if only to myself, nor am I able to quickly and effortlessly complete the tasks she asks me to do. I come to the conclusion that instead of furthering my education, this English class is deforming it in the wrong direction, and the only way to escape this inevitability is to not allow myself to be forced by my self-created ideological myths or people's personalities to listen to incoherent readings from my "classmates", but force myself away from the system to truly understand the novel as I might have, and was beforehand forced to do so, in AP English.

Further, I note that success comes with innumerable tidbits or effort. As is noting the relation between the placement of a bookmark in a book, to the days it has taken to achieve that ability of holding half of the book open, whereas in the beginning, the possibility of such an act would have only seemed to me, and still does with new novels, which I know it should not, if I were to learn any from this lesson here, daunting, insurmountable, but yet a placement which I would greedily accept as mine if I were given the opportunity to forgo the effort needed to gain it in an instant.

Most importantly I have realized that when I am in a happy mood, the way I have gotten there is not by the culmination of genius thoughts, however, it is the achievement of the suppression of many thoughts which I have previously and chronically associated with discomfort, anxiety, or general discomfort while performing a specific task. For example, and one which is quite good, is the anticipation I feel when I have something to do, or look forward to at a later time. The anticipation of the event drives me into a frenzy, which allows me to overlook any morals I may thus far have, and like a greedy being strive single-mindedly toward obtaining what it is I crave at that instant, even though I may have before show and proven to myself that this will not lead to any sort of dazzling happiness or euphoria on my behalf. Now when I read a novel, and suddenly I remember a thing which I immediately feel to myself I will forget, the thought of remembering this thing overwhelms and overpowers anything else I might be trying to do, and try as I might to shut it off, it reluctantly is brought back into my mind by my internal arguments with myself, those which I must I say here repress totally if I am to have any furthering of anything but depression in my life. Suppress, repress, and oppress, is what I must do to self conflicting, and demeaning thoughts, and take the idea I have created, with judged due effort, and put it into practice.

This argument scenario brings me to my other point, I realize as I hate arguing with my brother and father I must hate arguing with myself the most. This is why it might be a second good suggestion to stop the arguments altogether.