04.20.06

When I attempt to control my mood I try one or more of the following, separately or in conjunction with one another:

1. Look for the detailed piece of information that will most likely be on the exam

2. Remind myself that by doing this work (usually I say this when I'm reading a text) I am not becoming an expert, or even trying to, or thinking about it, but am more like a witness of a very special story of account of details aimed toward my enlightenment of a very interesting subject, which is somehow applicable to the real world. I might imagine this is some obscure fact some 1 is recalling to me at a movie party (like at Don's) or a story told by an observer of the events, or even a firsthand account.

3. I attempt to become the person or thing which is being described feeling, seeing, hearing, and sensing all that they would sense in a certain situation. I attempt to simulate the emotional impact a certain other event, or character in the story would have on me. This technique is most similar to acting.

4. I remind myself that what I do is for no other purpose than to please myself when I do it. And that nothing is necessary at any one moment, and that things will work themselves out with time, and patience (especially things like the proof of certain statements in a physics of calculus book). These things are much eased in their "working themselves out" when I utilize the techniques listed in this entry.

5. If the situation is out of control I try to change my environment, and the people surrounding me at that time, to receive a different sensory input and thus shift my thought's focus.

Why is it that when I'm a visitor at a friend's house, and I see a sharpened blade I think it is dangerous, but when my brother owns a blunt long sword I think that it would be "cool" to sharpen it?

Yesterday night, I felt as though I was battling to control two opposing viewpoints of the world. My habitual, and chronic (since, I believe, the beg. Of 10th grade and the failure of the AlgII exam) depressive one, and this new very positivistic view of all things I do as a service to myself.

The way I felt was simply that I was over stimulated to the point that my new view of the world sustained my happiness, however, it disallowed and significant progress in whatever I was attempting to do. Also, I noticed a similarity between it (the new positivistic view) and the old, in that, when I felt shied away from the developmental mindset, my head was usually filled with jealous thought, or general thoughts not involving myself, but my interactions with others. This behavior, is one which I blamed, almost totally, in previous entries as my crux to why I could not propagate my intellect into realistic action.

A further inspection, which I harbored today when I was issued a detention in "Management" "class", for refusing to put away my material two minutes before (so she claims) the lecture was over (and lo and behold, she asks me: "why did you do it, there were only two minutes left"; I want to ask her that same question, and I'm sure she'll answer: "Because I have to assert my authority as a teacher", and I'll answer that I have to assert my authority as a self oriented individual, who does not give into the puny demand of other, power hungry, derelicts of society, as yourself, a punk-ass, bullshit ""TEACHER"") posed the question: "What change occurs in my consciousness of myself when I am in school" and again raised a more specific version of it when I could not allow myself to actually focus on reading my government book, for which I'd received the detention: "What change [in my self-consciousness] causes me to become so unfocused on that which was desirable seconds before (meaning when I was home alone)"

Now the obvious answer to the latter question (I hate the sue of former and latter, when you're the interpreter of a writing, b/c it's so damn confusing, whereas to an author it’s a little lazy shortcut!, but I'm lazy so I'll use it anyway) is that there was much sonorous, and visual distraction around me, but I ponder if that is really the case?